And a Loan for Christmas


Max, thanks for agreeing
to get in the spirit and do holiday cupcakes. So much better than
last year when you go so drunk you turned the
12 days of Christmas into the 12 steps
of Christmas. Yeah, well, I finally
gave in. Christmas is like herpes. No matter what you do, it’s gonna flare up
once a year. Oh, you made
aFeliz Navidadcupcake. I’mmuyproud of you. And I think we’re going
to makemuy muchomoolah when Manuel comesmanana.You’re the only person I know who seems whiter
speaking Spanish.Feliz Navidadfor our
Spanish speaking friends. And for kids raised like me,
Feliz
“He’s-not-your-dad.” And then, “Joy To The World”
for the normals, and for the hipsters,
“Joint To The World.” For the kids,
“Frosty The Snowman.” Aww. And for you,
“Frosty With No Man.” Well, I didn’t see Jack Frost
nipping at your nips either. Oh, here, this one’s
my favorite, “Santa Claus Is Coming”– Max, stop right there. No, that was it.
He’s coming. (Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ [cash register bell dings] ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪ Earl, change please. “Earl, change please.” A phrase I heard
from both my ex-wives. Wow, you have more
Christmas cards than Oscar Pistorius
had excuses. What can I say, Max?
I spread a lot of goodwill. It’s also where I get
all of my shirts. Here you go.
Have a nice holiday. My two kids love
this time of year. And next Christmas,
there will be three. It’s a boy. My husband was so happy when
I called him in Afghanistan. Man, this time of year
people are easier than a fat girl
in a tube top. Oh, great.
We can use this money to order more
of our cupcake t-shirts. No, we are using that
to buy people Christmas gifts. I was really looking forward
to giving someone something that wouldn’t require
the follow-up penicillin shot. We need more shirts.
These are really selling. The guy at table four
said it’s the perfect gift for a girl you’re not in love
with, just strictly banging. He bought three. Well… I happen to know
for a fact that everyone here’s
getting us stuff. Han came in with
a small package today and also he was carrying
a gift bag. We’ll find some money
for the gifts. People aren’t expecting
anything big. Happy holidays. People just got the nothing big
they were expecting. Gather, please.
I have a very special gift for all my diner employees. Health insurance? Come on, it’s Christmastime,
not crazy time. It’s art. It’s a one of a kind
silk screen. I did it by hand. I figured that’s how
you always have to do it. Han, it’s the diner.
This is amazing. Open the door.
I put something behind it that reminds me
of each of you. Mine has Sophie. Mine has a saxophone. Mine has a cupcake. Mine has a chainsaw. [imitates chainsaw] Hey, everybody! Holiday shopping tip: Fill a Starbucks cup
with vodka. Also good for waitressing. Sophie, were you
Christmas shopping?(Sophie)
Oh, you know I was!
Power strips! Oh good.
You got surge protectors. Wow, that’s the first time
protection’s ever been used
in your apartment. Well, my Christmas village
needs 75,000 watts. And that’s just to work
my candy cane helicopter. Sophie’s been so busy with the Polish Society
Decorating Contest. We haven’t had sex
in days. Well, I got to beat my nemesis,
Felka Bobenski. She wins every year. She’s like theModern Family
of Christmas decorations You know who’s having
a blue Christmas this year? My balls. I love this city
at the holidays. Yeah, the urine’s
all frozen so you can’t really
smell it. Manhattan is the best place
to buy quality Christmas gifts. We have 40 bucks. Now, where are
those duffel bags full of stolen electronics
sold for half the price by Nairobi refugees? Well, we better
find them soon or I’m going to give up
and go to Radio Shack like everyone else
who goes to Radio Shack. [gasps]
Oh my God, Max. My childhood bank. You had a childhood bank? I didn’t even have
a childhood. Come on, let’s go.
I stop in every few months to get caught on
the security cameras, so people will think
I’m still in the mix. Trying to get caught
on security cameras? Whoa, we are different. Yeah, we’ll just go in
and while we’re in here, well, I don’t know,
ask for a business loan. We are not getting
a business loan! You tricked me
into coming to the city. At least knock me out and put me
in the trunk like a person. Okay, I hear you.
No loan. But can we at least
go in there so I can get a hit
off some vault fumes and a complimentary
Christmas cocoa? Yeah, I want one too. It’s so cold out here my bra is
suing my nipples for assault. I’d say we ask for
$15,000. So close I almost
smelled 100. What is with you? If I wanted you to keep
lying to me, I’d date you. Max, we need more capital so we can buy
our shirts in bulk, and then,
if we work even harder, we can double our profit. Okay, we won’t pass
even the credit check. According to my
Social Security number, I died in a boat explosion
years ago. This is the time
to apply. Bankers have more guilt
at Christmastime because of
It’s A Wonderful Life.
And also ’cause
they’re Jewish. I’m the one
with the business degree, and you have to trust me
on this. You know what?
You’re right. You’re the business genius.
What do I know? Let’s go get that loan. Thank you! Yeah, I should have known
that was too good to be true. Max, come on. The bank’s there.
Our shirt’s in here. Let’s just go in, show them,
and apply for that loan. Please! No. Please! No. Please! No. And that right there
was a little something called “us asking
for a bank loan.” Now let’s go. I’m not leaving here
until you tell me what the underlying
issue is. I’m not in love
with you anymore. Max, be serious. This whole t-shirt
was your idea. What’s the real problem? That’s the problem. Those shirts were my idea and nothing that comes from me
is worth $15,000. Aside from that baby
I sold on E-baby. Max, I know these t-shirts
are a money-maker. Oh, I have a money-maker
and that’s not it. I can prove it. Look, this is Rodney, my childhood over-priced
clothing store. If I had known we were going
on the childhood tour today, I would have worn more
comfortable shoes and stayed home. See the shirt
on the mannequin? At least $200. And there’s no reason we can’t
sell ours for just as much. I’ll show you.
Follow me. Oh, okay, I will.
But not on Instagram, ’cause you’re
out of control. This place is fancy and I’ve been to the
new Port Authority in Newark. Just trust me, okay? You need to jump on
those Wang pumps or like Ben Affleck,
they will be “Gone, girl.” Let me do the talking.
I speak his language. And what language is that?
Portu-gays? Hello, ladies.
Welcome to Rodney. I’m Barry. Doing a little
holiday shopping? We’re not allowed
to say Christmas. As a matter of fact, we’re doing
a little holiday selling. Oh, you’re “selling.” Yeah. Got it.
Molly? Coke?Not that I’m interested.I’ve been clean since
Fire Island 2010. And 2012. It must be hard to not
be high and be you. Because it’s hard for me to just be near you
and not be high. Yeah, you get it, girl. Actually, we wanted to see
if you’d be interested in selling one of our
fabulous graphic t-shirts. Oh, n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n–
all sorts of “no,” okay? As much as I love a fez,
a caftan, and a teenage boy, this isn’t Morocco. That’s a really long
and boring version of “No.” It’s like you just did
“No! The One Woman Show.”
Here’s our t-shirt– Look. I’ll tell you two what
I said to a young Marc Jacobs. Stop offering,
I’m off the junk. Merry Holiday. I’ll show Mary
a holiday. Our shirts are just
as good as these. He just needs
to see it. Here, hold this. What are you?
American Psycho? As soon as someone
says “no” to you, you start
dismembering women. I can’t get
her shirt off. Tell her she can
spend the night and you’ll buy her
a waffle in the morning. Okay, hand me our shirt. I think this
is gonna be big for us. You also think
Michael Buble rocks. Oh, I have to hurry.
Barry is coming. Barry is coming. I’m guessing
mostly with strangers. Seriously? Seriously? Ser-i-ous-ly? So cute. And look on the back,
“Cream Filled.” Funny. People will think
I have a personality. Barry, put this
with my other stuff. How much? 300. Forget the sober story.
That guy is high. I’ll take ten. They’ll make great
Hanukkah gifts for my friends
who don’t hate their arms. All our shirts just got bought
by a rich dead lady. I’ll need 30 more
by Friday. Yes, I’m still holding. I need to place
a rush t-shirt order. No, no, no, no, no.
Don’t put me on hold again. I’ve been through
seven rounds ofGrandma Got Run Over
By A Reindeer.
And she just got
run over again. Now that we have all this
crazy gay t-shirt money, I think we should
up the prices on these gifts. So we agree,
we’re getting Earl a car. Sophie is getting
the country house with the lake
she’s always wanted. Max, Rodney is selling
our shirts for 300, but we only get 25
of that. And you can’t buy a house
for $750. It’s not Detroit. Yes, hi, hi, hi.
Finally a person. I need 50 t-shirts
by Friday. But your business card says you
guarantee next-day delivery. Oh, you can’t “guarantee”
that guarantee? Okay, now Oleg. What do you get a man
who has nothing, but shows you everything? What do you mean
“Is there anything else you can help me with?”
When did you help me at all? And I’m beginning to think
if Grandma works for you, she didn’t get run over
by that reindeer, she threw herself
under a sleigh. So, Sophie’s getting
a Snapple. Like last year. Max, we can’t give up.
We can do them ourselves. We just need someone else
to do them. Come on, let’s go. There are customers
who have been here since Robin Thicke
was relevant. Wait a minute, Han.
You silk-screened all those beautiful cards.
You have an artistic side. Yeah, but no backside. And a front side that shouldn’t
be allowed outside. [imitates chainsaw] Why is this taking
so long? You did all those
Christmas cards. Aren’t small creatures
supposed to be fast? Truth be told, those were
supposed to be ready last year. But, what was the rush?
You two weren’t going anywhere. Han, just a simple
“Yes” or “No”. No judgment. Have you had sex
with this machine? The only thing worse than
you two working for me is me working for you. You haven’t even
given me water. Water is for closers. By “closers,” I mean people
who actually make clothes. [knock on door] Who’s that? Han, did you call
Child Protective Service on us? ‘Cause those bruises
could be from anyone. Han, you’ve only made
one shirt in two hours. And it’s a masterpiece.
Do you want oneCitizen Kaneor 30Here Comes
the Booms?
Guys, I need your help. Sophie’s right behind me
and needs some cheering up. I haven’t seen her
this depressed since she woke up
mid-coitus last night. Hi. Hi.
Hi, girls. Merry Christmas. Quick question: if I were to turn on that oven
and close all the windows, would I die? Nope. Otherwise I wouldn’t be
standing here next to
Kim Jong-Only-Done-One. Sophie, what’s the problem? Tell Han while he gets
back to work. And Han, pick up the pace or I’m going to start
the pinching again. I’m gonna lose the
Christmas decorating contest. Oh, I have nothing
to live for. Oh, Caroline, this is probably
how you feel every day. Sophie’s competition
made a live-action North Pole workshop
in front of her house. Well, all I got upstairs
is a light-up nativity and $25,000 worth of
Target Christmas decorations. She blew five fuses
last night. I never thought
I’d be jealous of a fuse. Sophie, we really can’t
get into this now. We are way behind
with these t-shirts. And these t-shirts are
a once in a lifetime Ow! chance for us to go to
a new place with our business. Oh yeah,
I hear you, girls. I mean, what am I doing here
sitting worrying about some silly contest? It’s Christmas. Come on everybody. We should all be
helping the girls. Really?
that would be so amazing. Sure! And you wouldn’t even
have to pay me back by letting me use your barn and
your horse tomorrow night for a live nativity scene, which
you would all have to be in. Or something like that. I think we just had
a seasonal shake-down. Han’s doing the last one.
We’re gonna make it. I can’t believe you’re in such
a good mood with that beard. Last week when you found
those two chin hairs, you weren’t so chipper. I’m just so happy
I have new clothes. Okay, final shirt. Then I get you two
out of my angel hair. Han, you know,
if it weren’t for you, we would have never
gotten this done. You really are
a little angel. Yeah, you are.
But I’m still surprised you weren’t cast
as the baby. Oh, I was asked,
but I declined. I spent ten year
getting out of diapers. I’m not getting
back in. Han, for your Christmas gift, I’ll pretend
I never heard that. Places everybody. The judges are coming.
I’m ready. Joseph’s ready.
Cabbage Patch Christ is ready. Come on! What’s with the cleavage? I know. She’s like
the Not-So-Virgin Mary. Angel, Shepherd,
Lady with the beard, come on,
get in the stable. Stable? The way we look
it should be an “unstable.” – Everybody ready?
I’m going to open the barn door. Okay. Yeah, I think
your barn door’s already a little open. Okay now,
who am I again? Voltron? I’m not gonna lie.
One of the wise men might have smoked
some “myrrh-ijuana.” That was a very nice
Christmas gift, Max. Thanks, Earl.
By the way, Sophie, the barn and us
dressed like idiots? That’s your
Christmas gift. Oh. Oh, and hey,
bang Oleg later. Oleg,
that’s your gift. How did you know? Before they come in, let’s just
take a moment to look around and really let in
the true spirit of Christmas. I don’t remember
writing you a monologue. Shut up!
Get your ass over by the horse. Come on, Han.
Hit the music. [Christmas music playing]
All right, everybody, look holy. Best I can do
is my underwear. all: Ooh! O h , crap! Oh, that’s right, Felka. I’m the freakin’
mother of God. [chuckles]
We won! I’m so happy we won. We won! We Won! Okay, show’s over. Dump the kid,
I’ll be upstairs. Max, take care of
Cabbage Patch Christ. Here, Han.
You got a buddy your own size. Thank you so much,
Barry. And remember, I want
50 more shirts after the first of the year
after I’m back from rehab. ‘Cause ladies, I am planning
a very white Christmas. Max, this is amazing! Do you know what just
happened in there? Yeah, I stole some dope-ass
fingerless gloves. We’re in business
with them now. You have to bring
those back. I got them for you. Okay. This is like
a Christmas miracle. Our shirts are being sold
in the most exclusive bitchy boutique in Manhattan
and they want more, lots more. Hey, let’s go into your
childhood bank. I need to take
an adult pee. Okay, but this isn’t home,
so remember, put the seat down
when you’re done. And while we’re in there,
we can apply for that loan. No, no, no, no, no.
We can’t. Now I’m afraid. Come on,
what’s the real issue here? We just had this
amazing success. And it looks like things
are going our way, and if we go in there,
it could all be ruined. You know what would ruin
our lives even more? If we don’t get that loan
and have to spend hours with Han standing under us
trying to finish those shirts. Well, that’s a real
“Nightmare Before Christmas.” Let’s go. Good, cause I’m
starting to pee a little. He gave us a loan! Is everyone who works
on the street high? I can’t believe it.
It didn’t go bad. I’m getting everything
I want. Walk on the outside
of the sidewalk. I’m gonna get hit
by a bus. I mean, how could he
give us a loan? I didn’t even have to
flash my boobs. Then why did you
do it? I don’t know.
They were making it rain. I felt obliged. Max, do you have
a dollar? I don’t know.
Do you have change for 10,000? Yeah, here. For what? For those less fortunate Anne Hathaway’s here? [bell ringing] Oh, my God.
Look! Look! Whoa, no way!
No way! Max, I have chills. Well, it is snowing and there’s
no fingers on those gloves. I love these. I’m sorry I didn’t
get you anything. I’m just not a thief. What do you mean
you didn’t get me anything? You got me everything.
Look. [bell ringing] [Christmas music playing] ♪ ♪

Paul Whisler

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